The Journey to Rediscovery

Let’s talk Grief and Journeys.

Journeys can be fun, challenging, complicated, easy, exciting, and heart wrenching. Grief? Well, I can’t really say what that can look like. I have never allowed myself to actually grieve-at least not the way most people grieve. Instead, I bury myself in work, take on everyone else’s sorrow to help them along the crazy path of life, and I shut down until I finally explode.

I am not really sure what grief is supposed to look like. I am sure it differs for everyone, but they say there are 5 stages: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. My stages are Bargaining, Denial, Depression, Anger…..and that is where it stops. I have not learned to accept it. I can’t accept it. I don’t want to accept it. I am too young to be without parents. It is not fair, and I am pissed off at the world and at God. I have questioned my faith more times than not the past 12 years – and even more so the past one and half months.

I remember dad telling me “You need to stop being so negative. You need to look on the bright side.” I said “Dad, there is no bright side in my world.” He very matter- of- factly told me, “There is ALWAYS a bright side Cole. You may not see it, but it is there. YOU just have to open your eyes and heart and find it!” Open my eyes and heart? I never understand what he meant. My eyes are open, and I wear my heart on my sleeve so I would say it was pretty open as well. But then he died, and my world was completely gone.

I lost everything after that. My mind has become numb and I am a shell of emotions.  I lost my faith after my mom died. I still believed in God, but I was not religious. When dad died I firmly believed that God didn’t like me, or I was an awful person in a previous life. If God were real and really did love me, then why would I be without both of my parents? Why would I lose everything in the blink of an eye? If God were real, why would he let this happen?

A friend recently shared their journey with these words, “It will be a hard road, but the end game is worth whatever you have to go through. No matter what you are going through, it could always be worse. Even at my lowest point, I knew I was better off than 99% of world. I had food, clothes, shelter, water, and freedoms. Then, to put the cherry on top, I had my religion. It is all about perspective, even though it is hard to see at times.” I have been dwelling on those words, and a light bulb came on! I do have to open my eyes – to the blessings I cannot see. I do have to open my heart for the man upstairs to guide me.

I have been so wrapped up in the “why me” that I have not been able to see a bigger picture. Yes, my world has crashed, crumbled, and burned right in front of my face, but I am still standing. I have weathered this storm before, and I can do it again. Why? Because I have amazing siblings and friends that will not let me fall without helping me back up.  So, now I know God doesn’t hate me, but he needed me to see that all this anguish will lead me on a journey to rediscover myself, my faith, and to finally grieve the losses in my life. It will not be an easy or fun journey, I am sure, but it is a journey that will lead me to be the best version of me.

Have you been on a similar journey? What helped you on this strange road?

This entry was posted in blessings, death, God, grief, spirituality. Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to The Journey to Rediscovery

  1. TamrahJo says:

    I lost my dad to brain/lung cancer, then lost my oldest son to bacterial meningitis, lost my house and much of what I had worked for the past 17 years to accomplish, due to spouse who gambled to ‘deal with their grief’, finally left and then, 6 months into building a new life, I had a stroke and lost my ability to work multiple jobs or do the work I had previously done quite well – – I tell you this not to have a ‘well – here’s my list’ – I tell you because, well – the 5 stages are, like anything complex and unique to each human, an overview – – No one gets to tell you how you grieve, how you deal with it, or what stages you work through or when – I railed at God, while standing on a hill, during a thunderstorm saying, “Why? If you wanted to kill me why can’t you just let me die? I don’t want to be here anymore – and (insert foul-filth-flairn). Just DARING the powers that be to take me out – – no such luck. – after my stroke when I finally became concerned that time/rest and ‘working’ to rebuild pathways in my mind, at home, cuz my insurance didn’t pay for anything else, would leave me nothing but a burden to others (I was 42 – they didn’t know why I had the stroke – they had managed to keep me alive, but couldn’t find a way for me to be productive enough to hold down a job or even GET one after applying/interviewing while sounding like Porky Pig or Elmer Fudd – speech issues – – I GOT MAD! Mad at it all – and spent many a night praying I could die in my sleep only to awake the next morning, take a deep breath and say, “Fine! FINE! I’m still here – so what am I gonna do to entertain myself today?” – Sometimes it was trying something over and over until my right side would do what it was supposed to – sometimes it was resting/reading/learning more – sometimes it was answering those who intruded upon my world with dark sarcasm, satire, dark humour, or anger – All I’m trying to say is… looks like what it does – – you move through the ‘feelings/steps’ back and forth, back and forth – you’ll go days thinking everything is okey-dokey and then something blindsides you out of the blue – – and it takes as long as it takes and if you get stuck, hard enough, you’ll get to the point where you can’t stand yourself and you’ll get mad and by gummy! you’d find a silver lining of hope in whatever little sliver of possiblity you can find – – pithy memes, well meaning advice, etc., don’t mean jack – but hold dear and precious anyone who can sit with you while you traverse this – who can sit with and not be affected by your anger, your questioning, your lack of faith, your blasphemy, etc., because, well – – those are the folks that make shine the flashlight through the mud and muck to light your way forward in the swamp you’re lost in, saying “You can do it!!! We know you can!!! Over here…this way….we’re cheering you on!!” Those few folks (friends, family and along the way, total strangers!) shone their flashlight on the path so I was galvanized to take another step forwards – instead of laying down and giving up – – And well – – it sucked at the time, sometimes it STILL sucks – but I wouldn’t trade all the gifts and knowledge I’ve gained from that period of losses in my life, for ANYTHING! That which was gifted to me, from my losses is much too precious to spend time wishing it hadn’t ever happened – – Hugs and you’ll work through as you do and it’s on your time table – no one elses!


    • cole3251 says:

      This made me tear up! Thank you for sharing your journey.
      The rollercoaster of emotions sucks. I do have days where I am able to say “I’ve got this! I’m going to be ok!!!” Then there are days where I feel the opposite and have nothing but negative feelings, and a straight up negative attitude.
      I am seeing I have more people fighting in my corner than I ever imagined. Friends, family, strangers. It is heartwarming and helps get me through my dark days.
      God bless you!

      Liked by 1 person

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