The Downs Have Been Few But …

I’m usually an upbeat guy, a glass half full guy. Lately, however, I just haven’t cared if there was a glass at all.

It’s been a long winter. Many of my goals have not been realized. I’ve been questioning everything about my life … what I am doing {or attempting to do}, when things will break, where I’m at, why I’m here. I have migrated into a dark place — not a depressed place, but certainly a long way from Joyville. I know it has infected my life … and I can’t seem to find the right prescription to kill the germs. I have been living in the past rather than the present. And it’s frustrating because that is not me.

This week was particularly tough for some unexplainable reason. There was no one trigger, but a series of triggers that have worn my soul. Yesterday, I reverted to a day just about four years ago on the New York Thruway where one moment I was listening to a medley of Four Seasons songs and the next sobbing uncontrollably on the shoulder of the road, my mind racing in a thousand free range directions. That day, I had to pull over because, literally, I couldn’t see the road through my tears. I had a mental meltdown as intense as the days following my wife’s death.

Yesterday I was doing some work on the novel, listening to background music. The Best Thing That Ever Happened To Me was followed by Because You Loved Me. Next thing I knew I was sobbing uncontrollably … so much so Angelina jumped in my lap to lap up the tears. My mind again started racing in a thousand of free range directions. The computer screen blurred through the bawling. My writing for the day came to a crashing halt.

Sitting there without saying a word, I mentally challenged everything in my life. I was angry. I was sad. I was melancholic. I questioned my past. I questioned my present. I questioned my future. I questioned the meaning of my life. I even questioned my faith. And I had this overwhelming sense I was alone … totally A-L-O-N-E.

And it all comes back to Karen. She has been on my mind a lot. People have been asking about her — both those who knew her and those who didn’t. My daughter found pictures of her I had forgotten about. Her urn became a topic of conversation from a visitor. Ghost, My Girl and Serendipity seemed to connect my spirit with hers. I’ve found myself musing about the plot lines in the Hallmark movies, reflecting on not my reactions but how I thought Karen would be reacting to them. Those two songs had a special meaning for us. Triggers … plural.

As I get older, I find myself being drawn back to my roots. I know I can’t go back to the 60s, but those days were so carefree. I mean, literally, life was good. I didn’t have to worry about my health, my wealth, my well being. As long as I had a couple bucks I could go where I wanted, almost whenever I wanted, grab a burger and fries and still have some jangle in my pocket. I was learning about life and love with anticipation. Now I’m watching it all in my rear view mirror. Today’s world is not the same as it was 50 years ago. Today I do have to worry about my health, my wealth, and my well being.

In short, you would not have wanted to see the sight in my living room yesterday. It was not pretty.

Today is a new day. The sun shines. I’m not in Joyville but I did see a road sign pointing its direction. Hopefully I’ll reach my destination soon.

THOUGHT TO REMEMBER: Don’t put limits on yourself.

About wisdomfromafather

I'm just an ordinary guy walking along the journey of life.
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4 Responses to The Downs Have Been Few But …

  1. I am praying for you. I know that is a hard place to be.

    Guess I’m lucky…

    I will not have the hoary head
    of wise and virtuous age.
    I will, instead, be cold and dead
    and the world will turn the page.
    I have no problem with my lot
    ’cause I’m having too much fun,
    and I’m not fixin’ to get caught;
    still free, I’m on the run.
    Nothing lasts forever here;
    some day…well, outta luck.
    And then I shall have one last beer,
    and smile…”Aw, what the ****.”
    Then it’s off to the Elysian Lands,
    and I’ll walk through the gate…on my hands.

  2. Lou says:

    Joe ,
    I’ve been there too . Tears are a part of life- they are a way that we cope.Don’t ever fight it.

    I copied /pasted this below -it got me thru tough times.

    “A time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance” (Ecclesiastes 3:4).

    Just as we sometimes laugh out loud, we must also cry out loud. We live in a fallen world where there is much to cry about—death, loss, disappointment. Sometimes we must cry as the only available emotional response in a situation. Those who resist their urge to cry will many times bring on themselves serious emotional and mental health issues. However those who accept it as a part of life will often find themselves refreshed and restored after a time of tears.

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