“You’re gettin nuttin for Christmas
Dr. Mary is mad.
You’re gettin nuttin for Christmas
Cause you’ve been nuttin but the

bad.”

That was Dr. Mary’s holiday greeting last week when I went for my follow-up visit.

“What! Why?” I protested.

“Well,” she said, “your weight is up and your numbers haven’t improved. I expected more,” she answered with a smile.

I tried to defend myself. “It’s all the extra clothes … the extra sweatshirt and boots.” But she wasn’t buying it.

Actually, the blood report wasn’t all that bad, it just wasn’t up to her expectations {Dr. Kathy, where are you? You never yelled at me. You hugged me}. She set the bar high three months ago and I, well, didn’t clear it.

There is nothing too serious we’re dealing it. I’m overweight and on the lower end of the diabetes scale with a heart that beats to its own rhythm. My doctors — starting with Dr. Mary — are being cautious which is a good thing.

Normally there are a few red marks on my bloodwork reports. At my last checkup in July, there were five, indicating levels outside the “normal” range. This time around, there were only three — my cholesterol, glucose and insulin levels. But, while my cholesterol level decreased — thanks to a decrease in the bad cholesterol — my ratio remained the same because my good cholesterol went down as well. My glucose and insulin levels inched up. I honestly don’t understand the fasting glucose level spike, though, since my daily readings when I get up are in the more manageable 120 range.

“You haven’t been exercising, have you?” Dr. Mary pressed. “That helps, you know.”

She wouldn’t take a sore knee as an excuse and said getting up to get snacks was not considered exercise.

“And what did you eat yesterday?” she continued.

“I had two pieces of toast for breakfast …” “Carbohydrates,” she interjected. “What kind of bread?” “Nutty wheat … and a left over pork chop with stuffing for lunch …” “More carbs, and for dinner?” “I didn’t have dinner. There was a football game on so I had crackers and cheese.” She just shook her head. “More carbs. What about cheese and vegetables? Like a carrot or celery? Or fruit, like an apple?” Head bowed, all I could utter was “Ummm.”

“Do away with the wheat and your knee will feel better. Then you can at least walk or exercise. And stop eating carbs at every meal,” she scolded.

“Look, I know it’s hard. It’s a lifestyle change. It took me three years to transition to more healthy eating habits … and I knew better. Have eggs for breakfast, like an omelet with vegetables, just have a bowl of fruit or tuna or chicken for lunch without the bread. Then you can splurge with some carbs at dinner. Why waste them in the morning and during the day?”

As my punishment, she ordered a return visit in three months. “I wanted it to be nine or even 12 months,” she said. “I don’t want to visit you in the hospital and you know I love you and all my patients, but I really don’t want to see you more than once a year.”

I promised her I would try. I did. The other day I had a salad for lunch and snacked on carrots and celery with my peanut butter. But all of a sudden my nose started twitching like a bunny.

Go figure.

THOUGHT TO REMEMBER: Six ethics of life: Before you pray — Believe. Before you speak — Listen. Before you spend — Earn. Before you write — Listen. Before you quit — Try. Before you die — Live!