Confession

I confess. This generally jolly old man is not so jolly these days. In fact, he is walking through the days with a black cloud over his head.

I really don’t know why, but I have been in a funk for months. And, although I try to be uplifting and supportive and fill my mind with those positive thoughts I preach, I find myself down, filled with self doubts.

Life is cyclical. There are good times and bad times. There are times when everything goes right and times when everything goes wrong. I’m in the latter cycle — professionally and personally. Every day brings a new challenge. Those challenges are starting to wear me down.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not losing faith. But I’m in a “Job” syndrome. Conventional counsel is curse God and die and my response is similar, if we receive good at the hand of God, shall we not receive evil? (Job 3:9-10)

I know if there were footprints in the sand, there would only be one set. No. There would be two — one a distinctive set of footprints and another of a foot being dragged and kicking. The latter would be my footprints.

There aren’t any Job-like catastrophes in my life, just a steady stream of challenges that are taxing my focus and draining my energy. Guess where that is coming from?

I’ve been through these cycles before, but this one seems to be lingering. It’s not that I’m feeling bad; I’m just not feeling right. There has been plenty to be thankful for — like my newest grandson’s birth and the anticipated birth of my next grandson within the next few weeks and first great-grandchild within the next few months. I am, but I’m also fearful for them and the world they are coming into. I am not where I thought I would be nor doing the things I thought I would be doing. I’m going through the day to day motions. I feel like I’m letting people down instead of lifting them up. I feel trapped in the second coming of the Tweens … you know, in between seasons of your life.

Taking my turn on the couch, I can trace this feeling back to last summer when my Dad died. It must have been more traumatic than I thought, and I guess I haven’t really recovered yet. Even to almost the end, I could bounce ideas and thoughts off him. He was a resource that is no longer there. With his last breath, I suddenly became patriarch of the family. Not just dad or granddad, but elder statesman. Not sure I’m ready for that role.

I uncover more aches and pains each day and have discovered things I could do just five, 10 or 20 years ago are now off limits. I rarely go to the doctor’s but have found myself there three times in the last three months {nothing serious}. I find myself living in the past and looking forward to my eternal future so much that I can’t enjoy the present. And it … is … driving … me … crazy. I’m generally a present type of guy.

Over the years, when I’ve gotten in such a funk, I would call a “time out” to stop and listen. I’ve done the same this go round, but I don’t hear the Voice. This morning, during my quiet time, I read the following commentary on Jeremiah 30 {I’m going through an exegetical reading of Jeremiah} “It lives in hope and an expectation that God will effect in us the understanding we need when we need it (emphasis added). Later, while visiting some other blogs, I came across http://daysmeditations.wordpress.com/ where author Day offered more perspective and reassurance on finding rest for your soul {I would recommend reading it}.

So, friends, this is where my psyche is at this moment in time. I ask for your prayers as I seek the Sonshine.

THOUGHT TO REMEMBER: You have to enlarge your vision. So often we think, Is it wrong for me to live in a nice house? Is it wrong for me to want a bigger piece of property? Is it selfish of me to want to drive a nice car? Is it okay for me to want to bless my children and leave them an inheritance? God says, “It’s okay. Wear your blessings well.” As long as you’re keeping God in first place and you’re not living selfishly and you’re not making material things your idols, then God wants to give you the desires of your heart. He takes pleasure in blessing His children. — Joel Osteen

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About wisdomfromafather

I'm just an ordinary guy walking along the journey of life.
This entry was posted in confession, Faith, prayer and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

7 Responses to Confession

  1. Cathy Marcuccilli says:

    I think you’ve identified part of it – the death of your father. I’m willing to pray for you. I find that the Old Testament is vital, yet not as uplifting as the New Testament. So, right now parts of the Book of John might help. And, doing something with intentional focus that is physical such as eating some of your favorite fruit – see it, smell it, pay attention to the taste, without multitasking. I understand the feeling of not being where you thought you’d be, or doing what you thought you’d
    be doing. I’ve felt that way at times, and with prayer, perseverance, and following my heart’s desire I’ve gotten past it. Agree about the cycle. I know I’ll be wanting this advice again sometime.

  2. TamrahJo says:

    The cycles of grief intrude and layer upon our natural cycles of work and rest – – -I’ve found over the years when the cycles intersect to give me two or more “downs” that resting & turning inward gets me straightened out faster than trying to pull myself up out of it – – – while not for everyone, I find that if I sit and let the downs truly come to the surface – to be examined, pondered and experienced, they deliver their message and depart much faster than when I try to hurry up and race out of their territory- –
    Many compassionate thoughts sent your way while you walk this portion of your journey – – It is not the easiest road to walk, but the gifts you receive are well worth it.

  3. Deanna says:

    I love you daddy! Of course I am praying and so wish I was closer. I hope you are considering a road trip in April…

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